Why We Feel ‘Hurt’ by Other People

At some time or the other, we have all probably felt hurt by another person and what they said or did or didn’t do for us. 

We feel emotionally hurt by other people when they fail to meet our expectations in some way. 

Sounds simple enough, and perhaps it seems like a ‘fair equation’. If they disappoint us, if let us down with their words or behaviour, we surely deserve to feel hurt! 

But what sits behind our expectations is far from straightforward. We often create ‘unconscious agreements’ with others: we make a deal with them that if we do something for them, they will provide us with some form of safety or love or validation in return.  But we omit to tell them that! We make a one-sided deal where we expect something from them but they don’t know that they have made that deal with us!

We do things for other people, we are nice to our friends, we work hard for our managers or teams...but we may fail to tell them that we expect their time or love in return for our giving ways, or that we expect their praise or favours in return for being extra nice to them, or that we are expecting a reward or recognition for putting in extra care and effort when working on something. 

The truth is, most of the time we are not even aware that we have made these ‘agreements’! When unconsciously we fear that we won’t just be loved if we don’t do anything special at our end, we start to enter into these ‘unspoken bargains’ that are a bid to ensure that that we will get because we give. Ironically, these one-sided agreements are the very reason why eventually our expectations are not met, and we get ‘hurt’.

There is of course much more to this than meets the eye, and the feeling of being ‘hurt’ is just the tip of one fear iceberg. But suffice it to say that any time you feel ‘hurt’ by someone, it is a great indicator that you probably have an unconscious agreement going on…that they, and perhaps you, are not yet aware of.

…and one of the best ways to move beyond the hurt is to take an honest look at what we were really expecting – and why.